Diary from Church Camp

I accompanied my 10-year old son and 10 other 3rd-5th graders to a recent weekend church camp. Here is a chronicle of my experience.


Friday 3:45pm Leave Church headed for Epworth. Surprised by how smooth Church van rides once you get above 100mph. Arrive in Epworth 45 min later.

Friday 6:00pm Have Dinner

Friday 7:00pm Awesome Church Service

Friday 10:00pm While Epworth was founded by Charles Westley, didnt realize that the mattresses in cabins actually came over on boat with him

Friday 10:05pm "Who wants to take a shower?" is answered with chorus of "My momma told me I didn't have to take a shower", which, in turn, immediately reminds me how disgusting unmarried men can be.

Friday 11:00pm Learn that the breakfast dose of Ritalin wears off after 10 hours

Friday 11:30pm Hand camper my cell phone and instruct him to call parents and explain why he will not go to bed. Camper replies he doesn't know the number.

Friday 12:00am Threaten to move in with another camper and his family if he doesn't go to bed. Camper cries.

Saturday 1:30am Last awake camper explains that his dinner consisted of "cake and icing".

Saturday 2:00am I call Diane, crying and explaining that I was tired, I couldn't take it anymore, and that I wanted to go home. Diane explained that while Jesus loved me, I should stop being such a wuss and act like a man.

Saturday 6:15am My son comes close to death by my hands when he is the first to wake up at this unholy hour.

Saturday 6:30am "I don't have to take a shower" is replaced with "Ive lost my toothbrush".

Saturday 6:31am I explain that those who do not brush their teeth will have to sit next to me for the rest of the day. Toothbrushes are immediately discovered. While not the miracle at Lourdes, I am thankful just the same.

Saturday 6:40am Camper A decides to "spice up" Camper B by spraying his entire head with half a can of Right Guard, Sport Scent.

Saturday 6:45am A Church camp tradition continues when the cry goes out "Lets go wake up the girls", accompanied by a massive exodus to the girl's cabin.

Saturday 7:00am Breakfast

Saturday 7:15am Thanks to an unfortunate collision, Will Allen's eggs and grits are covered in Seth Golden's milk. Will Allen takes it in stride and makes the best of it. Later learn that most parents in program want their daughter to marry Will Allen.

Saturday 12:00pm Have fried flounder for lunch. Camper next to me quickly polishes off two pieces and is pondering a third when he announces that "flounder makes me gassy". I suggest that we leave early to get a good seat for the upcoming church service.

Saturday 1:30pm Thomas Megow becomes an immediate hero to the rest of the cabin when he purchases a larger rubber snake in the gift shop for $12, leaving him $2 to "get something nice for his dad".

Saturday 3:30pm Go to Beach

Saturday 4:30pm Almost pass out on beach after trying to hold my gut in for 45 straight min.

Saturday 7:00 Great Church Service

Saturday 8:45pm Lead followup discussion with Children on their take on the weekend and how this has helped in their spiritual walk with Christ.

Saturday 9:15pm On trip to Dairy Queen, mention to associate pastor that unlike his group, my group's discussion didn't not include the topics of "Star Wars", "Poke-man", or "Nintendos" and that I thought this was interesting since I was a mere amateur and he was the "spiritual professional". Associate pastor responds by taking a swing at me.

Saturday 10:30pm With the hope of any sense of group hygiene long vanished, kids, fresh from 12 hours of outdoor activities, including a beach trip, crawl into bed with the only semblance of a shower coming from the Atlantic ocean. I take a small amount of pride in the fact their teeth were brushed. I begin to realize that there have not been any "extended sessions" in the bathroom stall since we arrive.

Sunday 6:00am Wake up

Sunday 6:10am Suddenly rediscover Thomas' snake.

Sunday 6:20am With no morning showers or time devoted to personal appearance, group is ready to go in 20 min. I suggest we start packing clothes into luggage.

Sunday 6:45am Small wardrobe of unclaimed clothes and towels begins to form.

Sunday 6:46am Despite his monogram being on the wash clothe, camper RCP claims no ownership.

Sunday 7:00am Breakfast

Sunday 8:45am While checking on cabin, discovered that the Wesleyan era plumbing was no match for 11 "backed up" boys, call maintenance to deal with issue.

Sunday 9:00am On the third day, the "musk" emanating from our cabin and crew evolved into some might call "Extremely European"

Sunday 1:00pm Head out of camp, bringing the majority of campers back home with us.

Sunday 3:45pm Arrive at church, unload luggage. After multiple attemps, wife agrees to hug me, commenting "You are a little gamey".

Sunday 11:42pm Wife wakes me up for the fifth time because of my snoring.

Why You Should Research "IM Slang"

The advent of Internet chat has allowed virtual teams to communicate just as effectively as those in the same office.

One member of my team "Sue" had an unusual perception on the proper use of the "lol" acronym. Instead of relaying the condition of "laughing out loud" she used it as more of an end of transmission signal. Much in the same manner that CB'ers would use "10-4" or the military would use "Roger".

Me: "Hey Sue, How's it Going"

Sue: "Hey, Doing Great LOL"

Me: "How did your doctor's visit go?"

Sue: "After some tests, it was determined that I have a flesh eating virus, LOL"

Sue: "Crap, there goes my left arm, LOL"

Me: "Holy Jesus, Sue"

Sue: "Oh Yeah, the pain can not be described with mere words, LOL"

Sue: "Oh heavenly father, please take me now dear sweet lord, LOL"

While I'm not proud about it, I loved chatting with Sue.

The Death of the Sales Professional

“During Hurricanes, Roosters Think They Can Fly”


It has been reported in several sales-related publications, that somewhere between 60 to 65% of the people in sales, do not belong in sales. Over half of the people with the word "sales" in their title do not have the skills, aptitude or attitude to be an effective sales person. To many this comes as no great shock.

Years ago if you went into sales for a powerhouse sales-centric company like NCR or IBM, it would be 6, 12, even 18 months before you were allowed to speak to prospective client. You weren't ready. You hadn't had enough training and mentoring and you were not ready to present the value of the company in its best light. I have met many veterans from these training programs and their skills are amazing. A large percentage of the alumni went on to start other successful companies.

Well those days are now a distant memories, the thought of keeping a sales person (regardless of their skill set) out of the game for more than a few days is unthinkable. Someone figured out that it was far more cheap to hire as many salespeople as you can, throw them in the fire immediately, those that were good would rise to the top, those who stunk, you would cut loose in a few quarters, and the mediocre would be just that, mediocre. If you hired more good people, the mediocre would sink and you cut them loose, if you hired less qualified people, your mediocre would actually rise in the ranks. There are numerous companies out there that always are looking for sales people, because every quarter their bottom 10% performers are removed from the companies.

Abnormal market conditions can make mediocre, or even poor, salespeople think they are great. During the telecom days of the Internet bubble, if you sold for a telecom company you did great. Clients were lapping up everything that you could throw at them. There was little to no selling involved, it was order taking. Telecom sales people, fueled by huge commissions on huge deals to sound companies like flake.com, a breakfast cereal portal that never really took off, were spending and living large.

When flake.com and their dotcom cohorts where unable to buy anymore telecom equipment, guys who thought they were the best sales people in the world started to struggle. A personal measurement is I judge the effectiveness of a salesperson by their past 12 months results. If I have to make a spot evaluation I look at how quickly they go to the freebies. If you have one call with a vendor and the next day there's a logo'd Tshirt in your inbox, you are dealing with a moron.

The message here is when you come across a good salesperson, someone who understands your business, what you are trying to accomplish, and how their offering helps you achieve their goals, treat them with the respect that you would expect in return.

Signs Your Job is Getting to You

1. Even the Pope thinks you're a real A**hole

2. You've gained so much weight your calves fill up your boots to the point your legs look like they are engulfed by sausage casings

3. You can write a business plan in your sleep, wiping your butt? now there's a challenge.

4. Prisoners have a better family life

5. Number of Top Priority Projects > People who would pee on you if your ass was on fire

6. Saddam Hussein called you as a character witness

7. Much to your chagrin you discover there is some pain booze wont cure

8. You Called into the Jerry Lewis Telethon to belittle the kids and tell them how smart you are

9. Your Marriage breaks up when you fail to remove your blackberry from your line of site during foreplay

10. Your Facial ticks have devolved to the point that perfect strangers shove their wallets into your mouth, tell you to bite down, and call 911

Signs Your Sales Rep is a Moron

• They talk more than you do

• They try to create some remote, third-party connection with you. Ex. “Yeah, my cousin did time in your state. So we are like family.”

• Their system can do everything, just name it. Ex. “You want an open, yet proprietary architecture that will randomly reset the credentials in your enterprise single sign on layer? Oh heck, no problem.”

• They know nothing about your bank or town, but pretend they do. Ex. “Valdosta? Oh yeah, thats where they grow those onions. Its like a second home to me.”

• Their presentation is focused on the history of their company, the great things about their products, yet says nothing about how they will help you or why really you should do business with them. Ex. “Now that we are done with an overview of our products for the System36, lets talk pricing”

• They wont get off the phone even though you have said you are not interested 3 times. Ex. “Ok, I know that your bank really doesnt do anything with South American Derivates, but can you at least watch our demo?

• They trash the competition, a lot. Ex. “Im not saying that your core vendor likes to skin the pelts off puppies, but have you ever seen a puppy around their offices?”

Vendor to English Dictionary

VENDOR/
ENGLISH
“This is A Win/Win"
You didnt beat the hell out of me on price, and god how I love you for it.

"We are strategic platform for your entire bank"
We will own you, your data, and your little dog too

"We are not a vendor, but a partner"
We are a Vendor

"Our Value Add"
Those one or two things that we do different from the other 1000 vendors out there

"We are endorsed by your local banking association and/or user group"
Theres a good chance that I wrote a check to someone to be able to say that, and they will get a cut off any money you give me, and by the way, given a choice, I would rather be a partner with the Soprano family

"Our system is not compatible with 3rd party systems"
We want you to believe that we own you, and despite the fact that we sold you on our "open architecture" our system is more closed than Chik-Fil-A on a Sunday

"We provide a total solution"
We are one or two features behind the market on our technology so we compensate with Professional Services offerings

"This is cutting edge technology"
Beta Version

“Its coming in the next release"
I hope to all that is holy that this is coming in the next release

“Wow, thats really thinking outside the box"
You are an idiot

“Our RFP Response is Comprehensive, It tells you who we are as a company"
I have no clue what you are trying to pull off so I threw the kitchen sink into our response

"We are a best of breed solution"
We dont do much but this one thing

"Thats a pretty aggressive timeframe to be implemented"
Holy Crap, No Way Are You Going to Make that date

"So You are a consultant, well have a great time at the trade show"
Please get the hell away from my trade booth and get somebody in here that has the power to buy something

"This bank wins our door prize"
This bank has my contracts and is ready to sign

"We provide a platform"
We have two products

“Instead of providing you a local reference, I would like to provide you with a reference that shares more of your operational characteristics"
We dont have a reference in your area