Diary from Church Camp

I accompanied my 10-year old son and 10 other 3rd-5th graders to a recent weekend church camp. Here is a chronicle of my experience.


Friday 3:45pm Leave Church headed for Epworth. Surprised by how smooth Church van rides once you get above 100mph. Arrive in Epworth 45 min later.

Friday 6:00pm Have Dinner

Friday 7:00pm Awesome Church Service

Friday 10:00pm While Epworth was founded by Charles Westley, didnt realize that the mattresses in cabins actually came over on boat with him

Friday 10:05pm "Who wants to take a shower?" is answered with chorus of "My momma told me I didn't have to take a shower", which, in turn, immediately reminds me how disgusting unmarried men can be.

Friday 11:00pm Learn that the breakfast dose of Ritalin wears off after 10 hours

Friday 11:30pm Hand camper my cell phone and instruct him to call parents and explain why he will not go to bed. Camper replies he doesn't know the number.

Friday 12:00am Threaten to move in with another camper and his family if he doesn't go to bed. Camper cries.

Saturday 1:30am Last awake camper explains that his dinner consisted of "cake and icing".

Saturday 2:00am I call Diane, crying and explaining that I was tired, I couldn't take it anymore, and that I wanted to go home. Diane explained that while Jesus loved me, I should stop being such a wuss and act like a man.

Saturday 6:15am My son comes close to death by my hands when he is the first to wake up at this unholy hour.

Saturday 6:30am "I don't have to take a shower" is replaced with "Ive lost my toothbrush".

Saturday 6:31am I explain that those who do not brush their teeth will have to sit next to me for the rest of the day. Toothbrushes are immediately discovered. While not the miracle at Lourdes, I am thankful just the same.

Saturday 6:40am Camper A decides to "spice up" Camper B by spraying his entire head with half a can of Right Guard, Sport Scent.

Saturday 6:45am A Church camp tradition continues when the cry goes out "Lets go wake up the girls", accompanied by a massive exodus to the girl's cabin.

Saturday 7:00am Breakfast

Saturday 7:15am Thanks to an unfortunate collision, Will Allen's eggs and grits are covered in Seth Golden's milk. Will Allen takes it in stride and makes the best of it. Later learn that most parents in program want their daughter to marry Will Allen.

Saturday 12:00pm Have fried flounder for lunch. Camper next to me quickly polishes off two pieces and is pondering a third when he announces that "flounder makes me gassy". I suggest that we leave early to get a good seat for the upcoming church service.

Saturday 1:30pm Thomas Megow becomes an immediate hero to the rest of the cabin when he purchases a larger rubber snake in the gift shop for $12, leaving him $2 to "get something nice for his dad".

Saturday 3:30pm Go to Beach

Saturday 4:30pm Almost pass out on beach after trying to hold my gut in for 45 straight min.

Saturday 7:00 Great Church Service

Saturday 8:45pm Lead followup discussion with Children on their take on the weekend and how this has helped in their spiritual walk with Christ.

Saturday 9:15pm On trip to Dairy Queen, mention to associate pastor that unlike his group, my group's discussion didn't not include the topics of "Star Wars", "Poke-man", or "Nintendos" and that I thought this was interesting since I was a mere amateur and he was the "spiritual professional". Associate pastor responds by taking a swing at me.

Saturday 10:30pm With the hope of any sense of group hygiene long vanished, kids, fresh from 12 hours of outdoor activities, including a beach trip, crawl into bed with the only semblance of a shower coming from the Atlantic ocean. I take a small amount of pride in the fact their teeth were brushed. I begin to realize that there have not been any "extended sessions" in the bathroom stall since we arrive.

Sunday 6:00am Wake up

Sunday 6:10am Suddenly rediscover Thomas' snake.

Sunday 6:20am With no morning showers or time devoted to personal appearance, group is ready to go in 20 min. I suggest we start packing clothes into luggage.

Sunday 6:45am Small wardrobe of unclaimed clothes and towels begins to form.

Sunday 6:46am Despite his monogram being on the wash clothe, camper RCP claims no ownership.

Sunday 7:00am Breakfast

Sunday 8:45am While checking on cabin, discovered that the Wesleyan era plumbing was no match for 11 "backed up" boys, call maintenance to deal with issue.

Sunday 9:00am On the third day, the "musk" emanating from our cabin and crew evolved into some might call "Extremely European"

Sunday 1:00pm Head out of camp, bringing the majority of campers back home with us.

Sunday 3:45pm Arrive at church, unload luggage. After multiple attemps, wife agrees to hug me, commenting "You are a little gamey".

Sunday 11:42pm Wife wakes me up for the fifth time because of my snoring.